then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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