this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We named our party play list daddy issues
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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