Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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