today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
