let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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