I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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