My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he thought i was a dude.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
