Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
