my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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