I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
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Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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