He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
