i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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