I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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