if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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