I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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