today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
