I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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