One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
