I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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