I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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