I puked a lego.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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