I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
