I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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