anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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