i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
