you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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