he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
