So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
