rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
