Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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