god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
