the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
