I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
