Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
