She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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