Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
