I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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