Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
