my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
