dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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