Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
