I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Randomize
