FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
