the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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