How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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