Please, let me fuck your mom
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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