A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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