So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
