There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
