walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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