I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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