Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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