I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
