I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
