Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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