did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
