If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
