I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
