I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
