I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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