I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Can I color on your dick again?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
