if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
