Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
