anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
