my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There's always time for handjobs
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
